The Checks and Balances of Friendships

A couple weeks ago, I got an email from a woman I had lost touch with, calling me "poison" and telling me she couldn't remember me doing a single thing for her, and she listed off some random things she had done for me. I was able to give her numerous examples of things I had "done" for her, but I found myself more annoyed than defensive at having to justify my end of our friendship.

I honestly hadn't put a lot of thought into whether every friendship I had had an equal input/output of money, time and energy between both parties. Friendships are so unique, and if you had to catalogue everything on paper, it would be impossible to quantify.

I have some friends that I have parenting styles in common with. Other friends with hobbies in common. I've taught a few friends to knit. I've put hours into teaching them the skills that were taught to me, in hopes that the hobby will bring them as much satisfaction as I've had with it. Do I expect those hours repaid to me in other ways? Absolutely not. My time spent teaching is just as valuable as time I would receive being taught. Perhaps a part of me hopes that they become as addicted to yarn as I am, but I don't hand someone a pair of needles and a ball of yarn with that in mind.

I ran this morning with a friend. At the moment, I can run faster than she can because she is just getting back into running. While we both got a great workout, we both got different things out of it: she is building up her endurance/speed and I was desperate for some companionship because my current iPod playlists are getting old. So which one of us came out ahead? At the end of the run, we both had a great time despite gaining different things.

I have had times in my life where my friends have carried me through. I've leaned on my friends to get a logical perspective on situations I may have made irrational choices on. My friends have been there for me, without mention of what I owe them for their time and lost brain cells. It is absolutely assumed that I will be there in a heartbeat when they need an ear, shoulder or car seat tech.

I've had to take a step back with some people. Is the friendship working for me? Am I getting what I need from my friends, and am I prepared to offer myself to them when they are in need? Are my friends adding good to my life and helping me move up and ahead? If I'm answering 'yes' to all of those questions, then it really doesn't matter if the hypothetical scorecard is even.